time for a change...

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 07:58:09 GMT

Don't give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it's alright
You're not alone
If you don't love this anymore
I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause i know you'll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there's a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause i know you'll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

You know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

So don't give up
It takes a while.

I have lied to myself for so long, pretending that everything is okay. It's not. I sit here day by day, I'm killing myself. With every moment that I give up, with every time I don't fight for what i want. I have always been like this, ever since I can remember. I have fought against every helping hand. My mom used to cry herself to sleep every night because I would give up so easily. I lie you know, a lot sometimes... like I'm so scared that if everyone knew just how broken i really was inside that they'd push me away and I would be completely alone. There is so much that I have lied about, but I don't wanna sit here telling you about that, because what is that but giving up and getting depressed about what i can't change. What would you do if I was someone completely different from what you knew? Would I get another chance? Would I get my moment to make things right?

I need to restart everything, god how i wish i could go back in time and start again, to be that little innocent girl again, to take back the hurting words, to actually try and not give up every time things got hard. If only I could of at least TRIED to listen to my parents. Because really they don't hate me like I keep trying to convince myself that they do. They have my best interests in heart, they hate watching me sit by, doing nothing with my life. Ruining all my chances at being happy. They just want me to be the girl they're proud of, that I would stop believing that what i want will just fall into my lap, because we all know it wont. I'll be 25 this month, and I don't even have a life. I don't go outside, I don't smile, I cry myself to sleep nearly every night. I sleep so much that I'm numb, that I'm always tired because it's the EASIEST way to cope, but it's also the wrong way to do things. If life was meant to be easy then there wouldn't be all these problems that i run away from.

I spend all my nights talking to people I don't even know, people that for all i know could be using me like most of the people have done to me already, why do i trust my life in something so fake? Like RP, it's really a waste of time right? All it does is take my mind off what really needs to be done, its just another comfort zone to hide in.

Well no more. I can't do this much longer, each day i wake up, each night I sleep, I feel closer and closer to the end. At this rate I wont make it to 40 years old. I'm over weight, I have 4-5 asthma attacks a day (and that's a good day) I can't dance for more than a minute without getting breathless and going into coughing fits. I think about suicide more and more, I am always tired and feel sick all the time, I don't have any type of life worth being proud of. The thing is I have waited so long that now it's so hard to change a whole lifetime of problems.

I talked to my mom today... because I have been feeling so low and I don't know why, I have no real reasons, she told me that i need to get off my fat ass (and made a comment saying she wasn't insulting my body but just my attitude), that i can only change what I've done to myself. It's just so fucking hard to do. I know .. I know, I'm making excuses again, but i can't help it. It's how I've always been. Another excuse. God when will I just STOP?

I ALWAYS make excuses, and instead of just doing it I think about it, and the thing is I think negitively, its so hard to change, but I really want to. Even if it means making a lot of changes I don't want to change. I NEED to for me and for my son. I just need to stop thinking and start doing it. I need to get up and do the things i should of been doing a long time ago. I need to spend more time with my son, I need to loose this weight and i need to make myself happy, i shouldn't need other people to make myself happy. So here's what I'm going to do. I have 5 months to change my life, so then I can accept ANOTHER happiness into my life, not just USE it to make me happy, because this person means the world to me, but things could happen and where would that put us if we just relied on each other for a slice of heaven, or so to speak. So if anyone has any suggestions, i would be grateful, if anyone is a mother then PLEASE do relay your advice because I need all the support I can get. I don't want any apologies or sympathy, I want understanding and a little push towards the right direction. because I am USELESS at listening to my mother, and i am hoping that having my friends work with me through this first phase of a new start would be extremely helpful. The rest i CAN DO on my won, I just have to do it right? Here are my mothers suggestions;;

Get out and walk 15-20 minutes a day, every day no matter if its rain or shine. If it's windy and wet, wear a jacket, if its sunny then wear light clothes, don't care what people think of you as you walk past, because this is for you and not them.

I don't have a car, nor do i have a license, so my son doesn't go to preschool and I know I wont have either of these things by next year when he's in school, so i want to be able to at least walk him to school until i DO have these things. The problem is i shouldn't NEED them, a lot of people in the past walked miles to get where they wanted to go, why then can't I get up the heart to walk just half an hour to an hour to get where I NEED to go. The thing is I CAN. I may be fat, but that happened from the choices I made, I may have asthma but it wouldn't be so bad if I had looked after myself.

Clean your house up in the mornings before you walk, while Connor is eating his breakfast, use the time wisely, don't roll over and open your laptop, instead don't even look at it. Get up, go clean, have a shower, eat and do whatever before you go for a walk.

I am REALLY bad with cleaning, cos I am SUPER lazy. Mostly because I can't make myself get up and do things i don't like doing, My room gets messy, the dishes stack up, the washing gets high, and all because I leave it until I can't leave it anymore. I need to get up and get it all under control and then keep up with it. My mom is right, once you get into a habit its so much easier and hardly even takes any time. If anyone is good at schedules I would LOVE some help, this girl Ash used to help me with them, but I never used one. I'm now ready to make one work for me.

Food wise I need to start eating regulary and properly, I hardly eat during the day because I'm always sleeping, so that also needs to change. i need to start limiting my time. I might instead sleep in the evenings and get up earlier instead or something. See normally I am up from 6pm till 6am rping and talking online, then napping through out the day and this isn't fair on my son or myself. I want to be happy and I know that only I can do it. Writing this has helped me a lot. I am going to make this change in my life, and I'm sorry if I leave a few people behind because of it. I love you all and I will try to include some time where I can talk to every one, and keep up with my writing, because I couldn't live without it really, it's too much of a big part of me.

So thanks for listening to me whine and realize what i need to do. Now I have to close this laptop and go do it. As hard as its going to be i know I can do it, and I would appreciate all the support i can get because I don't want to die early, I don't want to NEED someone to be happy, I want to live a happy life no matter who I am with or not with.

Wish me luck.
<3 Axe

Ike - My Way

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 05:53:41 GMT

Okay so like I made this the other day, yes I am a little bit of an Ike fan, though not many people actually know that about me. haha

FRIENDS ONLY....

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 07:43:59 GMT

Due to unforeseen events, this journal has been cleared out for a new start. I have deleted
people that were on my list that hadn't added me. If you would like to read my stories and
blogs (and all that other unimportant crap... especially if you're here just for Zaylor)
then it would be advisable for you to comment here and then ADD ME, if you haven't
added me, then you will NOT be added back. All is fair in love.. and Zaylor. ;o]

<3 Love Axe~

I think I need an AXE!

time for a change...

Ike - My Way

FRIENDS ONLY....